Are You Really Listening?
If you’ve been around, you might have noticed that every month we explore different themes that relate back to using your authentic voice. This month we're exploring connection, specifically, the role connection plays in the way we use our voice. A connection to ourselves means a stronger connection to the people we are communicating with or leading.
There are all kinds of factors that go into a strong connection but right now, I'm going to focus in on listening. When communication is a means of connection - listening has to be in the picture.
But, how can we become better listeners?
I get this question from women a lot. "How can I become a better listener?" And I'm here for it.
But I'll be honest, sometimes I'm a little suspicious. Don't get me wrong, I love listening - listening is great. But, sometimes it falls under that umbrella of things that “Nice Girls” do. Cross your hands, and legs, and just quietly listen. Let the people who know what they're doing do the talking, and you just listen, and learn. It stems from the age old, “Be seen and not heard” advice offered to young girls for centuries.
Barf.
I want to make it clear that that is NOT what I mean when I talk about listening
True listening is not a euphemism for being quiet, blending in, or passively participating.
If you want to become a better listener - the first step is to get clear about your reasons for listening.
You've heard me say this before - and I'll say it again - intention is everything.
Why do you want to be a better listener? What are your reasons for wanting to become a better listener?
Maybe you want to learn - why do you want to learn? So you can apply something or emulate, or build on an idea? Sharpen your own perspective?
Maybe you want to build trust with someone - you want to understand what's happening emotionally for them and demonstrate your presence
Maybe you want to prove your superiority - Not all of our reasons are pure and noble - We see this in public forums all the time! Hello! Presidential debates - the listening is all for the purpose of trapping someone in their words. It's weaponized listening. This can happen when we're in an argument with someone, there may be an exchange of words, but the listening is defensive.
So when you want to improve your listening, get specific about the context and the purpose.
When you are clear about your “why”, start paying attention to what you're already doing. Bring your curiosity and anthropologist/sociologist lens to this pursuit. What's working, what's not working?
I had a client who was a writer's assistant on a kids' tv show. As an assistant, she got to be in the writer's room so that she could learn the ropes. Her purpose was very clear - she wanted to be a better listening in order to be present in this space and understand how a show gets made. It was very intimidating and overwhelming. There was so much going on, and she was there, but she felt like she wasn't leveraging this career making opportunity. She felt she was just, being the assistant.
In order for her to uplevel her listening, she had to bring some structure to it. She discovered that it was helpful to have some specific questions about the process to focus her listening - she actually needed to be asking questions to get clarity about what she was observing. She also decided that in order to take her listening to the next level, she needed some stakes so she asked one of the writers if they would read one of her scripts and give her feedback. Doing this created some accountability so she would actually be able to demonstrate how she interpreted what she was learning.
I encourage you to look at your own life. Look at listening in the world. Find some Listening Heroes to model your own listening after. Watch them, observe them.
My Listening Heroes include:
My husband. I was blown away by what an incredible listener he was when I first met him. I have observed him over the years and noticed he very rarely interrupts people. That’s something I intentionally picked up from him.
More in the public eye, a Listening Hero of mine is Oprah, of course. Did you see the Meghan Markel interview? Her listening skills are astonishing during this interview. She was listening with her whole body. She wasn’t just trying to get through her list of questions, she started a real conversation and reacted moment to moment to inform the next question or exchange.
Alan Alda. When I was 15 I took a field trip to see a play he was in and we had the opportunity to go backstage and meet him. One of my classmates asked him what listening meant to him as an actor and I’ve always remembered his answer. He said, to listen is to open yourself up and allow somebody’s words to come inside you and change you. That has stayed with me for decades. It shows that listening can be an act of vulnerability. I come back to it when I’m checking myself during conversation to see if I am really listening or just going through the motions.
To become a truly great listener, my number one piece of advice is to practice. There are so many opportunities throughout the day to practice your listening skills and observe yourself. Be kind to yourself, you aren’t going to be perfect. If you notice yourself checking out of a conversation, just reset and bring yourself back to it. Over your life, you will continue to become a better and better listener if that is your intention.
I spoke about listening recently during an Instagram Live. I’m there every other Wednesday at 9:30 am ET. Join me next time - let’s have a conversation!
Related Reading: Listening to others with attention, compassion, and understanding is a skill. Together with the skill of Speaking in your authentic voice, they form The Art of Checking In.