How Can I Lead Without Being Called A Bitch?

Many women ask me how they can be a strong and assertive leader without people thinking they're a bitch. Sometimes instead of bitch they use the word "bossy," "pushy," "mean," or "aggressive." The underlying point is the same - how can I do my job without other people feeling uncomfortable with me doing my job?

I don't offer specific tips around this because I take issue with the premise. The idea that a woman must walk a line of doing her job while also becoming the target of someone else's fear or insecurity is problematic. It is a cultural shortcoming that we cannot discern between "being a bitch" (whatever that means exactly) and "being an effective leader.

"Men do not have this conundrum - not only is there not an equivalent slur,  the notion of a man tempering his voice or diminishing his presence, so as not to be perceived as too strong, authoritative, or powerful is hard to even imagine. When we indulge this broken premise, and devise ways to not "be a bitch" we acknowledge that the construct is legit - even if we don't like it. When we manage our identity around it, we are supporting it.

Call It What It Is

Let's call this construct Bitch-Fear Assertiveness Confusion or B-FAC.

I'm not saying that B-FAC is irrational, or that it hasn't crossed my mind - I'm saying that personally, I have come to a place in my life— in my identity as a black woman, as a leader, as someone with something to say—where I have accepted that I don't have room for B-FAC.

I suspect that, regardless of your industry, the energy you devote to B-FAC prevention could be better used somewhere else in your life. Maybe you feel it's helping you get by or survive, but I doubt that it is propelling you to the next level of your career. And don't you long to keep growing?

Our culture is threatened by women in leadership. We know this. I can't think of one example of a woman in the public eye with any amount of power who hasn't been called a bitch by someone. It's still not "normal" to see women in charge, and I don't think making ourselves meek will help the cause. Instead of focusing on whether or not someone thinks you're a bitch while you're doing your job, I encourage you to release the idea all together. Take the B-FAC in your life and multiply it by zero.

Focus On What Matters

Once your scope has shifted, get clear about what you want from your own leadership. What do you want to accomplish? Why is that important? How do you want to feel when you're doing your job well? How do you want your colleagues or the people you're managing to feel about their work?

When you are using your voice, and managing situations, and being assertive, and solving problems, and having good ideas, some people just won't like it no matter what. Give those people permission to have their own reckoning with women in leadership. They may think things about you or call you names, but their reckoning is not really about you. If you can, choose to release yourself of the responsibility of changing their minds. The B-FACkers have deep work to do.  And whether or not they decide to evolve, you deserve to keep moving forward in your life.

with love and respect,

Malika

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