Do You Need A Hand?
Asking for help means taking ownership of your needs, which is an incredible way to use your voice. Many women are hesitant to ask for help, even from those closest to them. It’s important to develop the right mindset around seeking support, and it’s also crucial to recognize that the people around you can’t read your mind. You may think your need for help is obvious and that you shouldn’t have to ask. But you do have to ask. And I’m here to show you how.
Get Specific About What You Need And Who Can Help
When you feel overwhelmed, assessing the situation can be difficult. Take a moment to ask yourself, “What, actually, is the problem?” to find clarity. If you struggle to name what you need at a certain moment, use the Core Needs Identifier to help you nail down some specifics.
Once you know what support you need, it’s time to hone in on who to ask for help. Depending on the scale of the problem (and how important it is to you), it’s useful to think in terms of a strategy for seeking support; asking one person for help is just part of that plan. The more backup options and contingency plans you can create, the less dependent you’ll be on one other person’s decision.
After you’ve decided who to approach first, define for yourself what concrete actions or behaviors you want from the person you’re enlisting. Do you want your partner to do the grocery shopping this week? Do you want a coworker to prep slides for your joint presentation? Do you want your friend to help you think through a tricky situation at work?
When you’re clear on what kind of help would be, well, helpful, set up a time to communicate with the people involved. Be specific with these conversations and give the other person space to consider your request.
Here are some sample phrases to get the conversation started:
“Do you have a few minutes to check in about our plan for groceries this week? I can chat now or after dinner --what time works for you?”
“I have some ideas about adjusting our workflow on the project, are you open to hearing them tomorrow morning before the staff meeting?”
“Can I get your input on a situation I’m dealing with at work sometime before Monday? It’ll take 30 minutes or so.”
Don’t Question Motives
If you reach out to someone for help and they say yes, celebrate! Accept the yes graciously. If you get what you want, don’t start wondering why. People always have their own reasons for saying yes (or taking any actions), and those reasons aren’t within your control.
It won’t serve you to be skeptical when someone agrees to help you. Instead of going down a suspicion spiral, affirm and embrace the thing you want more of (people hearing your requests and responding positively). If it’s a yes, take it at face value.
What to Do if You Hear “No”
Unfortunately, not every request for help will lead to a celebration. In some cases, people will say they can’t give you what you are asking for right now. Again, people have their own reasons, which they may or may not disclose, and those reasons are not within your control. While hearing a “no” can sting, it’s also honest. You now have an answer and can move forward with other strategies for getting support.
Accepting “no” is a powerful way to build resilience; eventually, the impact of this kind of rejection gets smaller and smaller. It seems like the more rejection you experience, the scarier it would be to put yourself out there and ask for support. But I’ve actually found the opposite to be true: over time, a “don’t care” callus forms. If you’re asking for help regularly, you will reach a threshold where each request becomes less precious. Regardless of the answer, it gets easier to ask for help the next time.
It might seem counterintuitive, but once you move beyond the fear of hearing “no”, you become unstoppable.
And you deserve to be unstoppable.
with love and respect,
Malika
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