You Woo You, Boo

We all want to be liked.

We all want our friends to enjoy spending time with us and to think we're wise and funny.

We want our relatives to think of us fondly and miss us when we're not there.

We want the people we work with to give us rave reviews.

We want to be spoken to kindly and thoughtfully.

We don't want to be shamed, blamed, or insulted.

It's easy to cast these expectations upon others—to expect other people to step up and fulfill these desires. 

But what about you?

Do you like yourself?

Do you enjoy spending time alone? 

Do you think you're wise and funny?

Do you think of yourself fondly and notice when things don't feel right inside?

Do you give yourself rave reviews for the work that you do?

Do you speak to yourself kindly and thoughtfully?

Do you extend compassion, grace, and praise to yourself?

If the answer is no to any of these questions, you're not alone.

The Inner Voice

For most of us, it's familiar and even "natural" to be self-critical. We push ourselves with threats and taunts. We belittle our own efforts. We make self-deprecating jokes—and really mean them. We're hard on ourselves. And somehow that feels right.

Friend, to be heard and received by others, you have to hear and receive yourself.  If you have a message for the world, if you want to make an impact, if you want to speak boldly and clearly, you need to faithfully tend to the way you speak to yourself. The voice that people hear from you and the voice that you hear inside your head are inextricably linked. You may think you’re covering things up, but the truth of how you actually feel about yourself will always peek through.

The part of your brain that thinks you're not that big of a deal—not worth listening to, not that interesting, kind of annoying, and pretty lazy—needs to be won over. And you are literally the only person in the universe who can win yourself over.

You gotta woo you, boo.

How to Woo You

How can you fall in love with yourself? (yes, I know I said "like" before, but I'm upping the ante—isn’t love what we’re actually after?)

First, you have to recognize that you’re the gatekeeper. You have the power to say “yay” or “nay” to yourself in any given moment, and it's entirely up to you to shift the balance from nays to yays. No one else can control your mind, so everything that happens between your ears is your domain to curate.

Second, you have to practice. Between the ages of 0-2, most of us love ourselves effortlessly, and why wouldn't we? We're cute, fun babies. But for the average kid, the love fest stops around age 2. By then, most kids have received enough feedback from the world to internalize the idea that they are, at least some of the time, “bad.”

Subtract 2-3 years from your current age: that's how many years of negative self-talk you have under your belt. No wonder you’re a pro. 

Self-Love Practice

Now it's time to become a pro at self-love. Self-love is our natural state. But after years of put-downs, it can be hard to relearn how to love yourself. Self-love takes practice. Here are  some exercises and principles to support you on this journey back to loving you: 

Talk to Yourself in the Second Person: When we speak critically to ourselves, we often say things like, “I can’t believe you screwed up again!” (makes you wonder who is talking and who is listening, but that’s just how our brains work!). To counter that inner voice, tell yourself positive things in the second person. Saying “You are good” or “I believe in you” might feel silly, but it mimics the way we hear reinforcement and positive feedback in the outside world (e.g., from our parents). Mirroring that structure will help you build a more positive self view.

Compliment Jar: Start a compliment jar. I have one that I keep on my dresser. Once a day, I write a compliment to myself and put it in the jar. If I want people to say nice things about me, then I need to start by saying nice things about myself. I don’t open the jar to read these compliments often—maybe once a month—but when I do, it’s a powerful affirmation that I am loved. Most of us aren’t used to receiving this kind of attention from ourselves. Read your compliments as a weekly or monthly practice, or when you’re feeling low and need some (self) love.

Letter from Your Future Self: Write a letter to yourself from your future self expressing why you are so proud of you now. This exercise can be especially helpful when you’re going through something tough. Imagine you’re writing anywhere between 3 months and 5 years in the future. Tell yourself why you believe in yourself and what makes you proud. Naming what makes you worthy, special, and treasured can make those things clearer to you, and remind you that you’ve got what it takes to survive this moment.

Leave Yourself a Voicemail: We all need validation. Instead of feeling ashamed about it, hijack that need and use it to your advantage by leaving yourself a voicemail. Say out loud to yourself what you wish someone would say to you. An easy starting point:

“Hey           , it’s             . I’m just calling to say I think you’re really great. I’m really proud of you. You have so much to offer the world, and I’m really rooting for you.” It can be powerful to hear your own voice saying exactly what you need to hear. No one can validate you the way you can. That’s the validation that is satisfying and will give you different results. If you give yourself praise you believe, you might not need other peoples’ validation so desperately.

Pick an Attribute and Wax Poetic: Pick an attribute about yourself. It can be a physical attribute or a personality characteristic. Then spend some time waxing poetic about that thing, as though you were writing a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself why you love                     so much. Your laugh, your hair, your nose—whatever you’ve chosen. Woo yourself, and lay it on thick. This activity will help you develop language for what you love about yourself and why. When we put language to thoughts and ideas, they become more real to us.

Changing the way we think about and talk to ourselves is hard. We usually have decades of self-reproach behind us, and reframing our thought patterns is challenging. 

But embracing yourself is the first step to creating a meaningful and satisfying life. The voice you use with yourself is the voice you will share with the world. Before you can change the world, you have to change your relationship with yourself.

No one else can love you like you can. So you gotta woo you, boo.

With love and respect, 

Malika 

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