The Art of Checking In

I first started voice work in my graduate MFA acting program, at the USC School of Dramatic Arts. 

Our voice class, led by revered voice teacher Natsuko Ohama, met a few times a week for 3 years. During our first semester, we were just discovering our new identities as Actors In Training, and learning what it meant to be present and authentic for hours and hours each day. 

It was exhausting. 

We did a lot of technical exercises to free our natural voices, and we also spent 5-30 minutes of every class sitting in a circle on the ground, checking in with one another.

We'd go around the circle and report on anything we wanted to share with the group. Sometimes everyone spoke; sometimes only people who felt moved to express something did. No one was ever cut off, and no topic was off-limits. 

The Work

At one of our customary check-in circles, several people talked for an extended time. When we got around to a classmate I’ll call Nate, he huffed, "I'm fine, can we just get on with class?"

"What's going on for you, Nate?" Natsuko inquired, unfazed by his attitude. 

"Can we just get to the work? I'm so sick of all of this talking," Nate said.

Without skipping a beat, Natsuko flatly replied, "This is the work."

We all leaned in. What did she mean? 

When we shared in a circle, we were connecting thought, feeling, breath, and sound to communicate an experience. Challenging ourselves to create that synergy of elements at will, and receptively listening and observing while our peers did the same, was the work. 

It took discipline for the speaker to reveal what was happening, and it took discipline for everyone else to really hear it--taking in the content, structure, tone, inflection, body language--all of it--to really listen and possibly understand the message. 

Right now, you may be feeling like Nate: you want to “just get on with it” in some way. You’re waiting for life to return to normal. But what if this period of time (as long and drawn-out as it may feel) before “real life” resumes is actually an opportunity to see our real work more clearly?

There is so much to learn about the art of checking in (even if you aren’t studying human behavior and communication for professional reasons). How do you sustain the practice of authentic connection, especially when it feels like there is nothing left to say?

You Don’t Need a Reason

If you feel the urge to connect with someone, if someone is on your mind--reach out. Initiating is everything. You don’t need a specific reason to say hello.

The gesture can be small and unoriginal; forwarding an article, sending a bitmoji or an old photo. If you call and someone doesn't pick up, leave a voicemail. We all enjoy the sound of hearing someone's voice speaking just to us.

The idea of calling someone just to check in might be strange, like you’re just going through the motions. Your conversations may feel repetitive, with no new information being exchanged. Sharing the same meme with 10 different people might not seem like a high-quality or worthwhile connection. 

But all this reaching out does have incredible value, and it helps us stay grounded. Keep going through the motions, even if it’s hard to understand why--this is The Work. It’s how we support and understand each other. 

You don't have to be fascinating. Especially right now, the mundane can be extremely comforting. Recently, some of my favorite check ins have been my sister sharing what she ate for dinner or my mother sending a photo of her dining table decorated for Easter.

Conversation is a Two-Way Street

If you reach out and throw the ball and someone doesn't throw it back, don't take it personally. Opening up (even with people we're close to) can be hard. Try not to hold it against people if they don't have the space in the moment to respond. They may come around later. Likewise, try not to take it personally if you are consistently the person who reaches out first. You benefit from the check-in, too. No matter who starts it, conversation and connection can be uplifting to everyone involved. 

A check in can be short or long--there are no rules, and different moods allow for different bandwidths (another reason not to take it personally if someone doesn’t respond right away--they may have more emotional and mental capacity another day). 

A quick chat, a shared laugh over a meme, or a picture of something you cooked can offer just enough togetherness. Though simple, these moments are powerful forms of connection with people we cannot be physically close to.

Our Work

At some point, a conversation may become more personal. It is not easy to share how you’re doing. It takes courage and a bit of skill. In the best of times, people want this ability to be able to share authentically. “Authenticity” has become a buzzword, and the ability to “be authentic” is highly coveted.

But it’s not always easy to see how “authenticity” applies to everyday moments, like when someone asks you, “What’s going on?” or “How are you dealing with all of this?” If you take those questions honestly, they are opportunities for you to be authentic. 

Speaking in your authentic voice is a skill that takes time and practice to develop. Listening to others with attention, compassion, and understanding is a skill, too. Together, they form the art of checking in, and what better time to practice?

This is Our Work right now. Let's take part in it together. 

With love and respect, 

Malika 

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