B.Y.O.B.

Bring Your Own Belonging

Have you ever felt out of place?

Have you ever felt out of place when you really. needed. to. belong? Maybe because your job depended on it? Maybe because you were the "Leader" of a situation?

I've been there. It's super awkward and stressful.

I figured out a way to get out of that pickle: BYOB

But Malika—what does that stand for!? Did you liquor up just to fit in!? Say it ain't so...

Don’t worry. It's not what you think!

When I started working as a professional development contractor for the military, I was super excited about the work and the opportunity to talk to Marines about sexual assault awareness and prevention. This was something I felt passionately about! But there was one big problem: I felt completely out of place.

I am not a Marine, I have no military background, and I'd never stepped foot on a military base.

If I wasn't like the people I was leading (and felt completely out of place in their environment), how could I possibly be effective?

I wasn't quite tough enough to fit in with the military crowd. I felt intimidated by the masculine atmosphere and the hundreds, sometimes thousands, of men and women in their uniforms. I’m a 5’10, full-figured, statuesque, black woman with a huge smile and very loud guffaw. It’s pretty hard for me to “blend in” anywhere. But this felt like something else.

I didn't feel comfortable being myself so I tried to be as neutral and as plain as possible. I thought by staying neutral my differences wouldn't stand out as much.  In reality, I was just diminishing all of my actions and watering down my point of view, which was absolutely not effective.

After one particularly lackluster and timid presentation, I realized that my expectations were way off. I wanted to feel at home in this context so I could be myself. But deep down, what I really wanted was for the environment to change to accommodate me. I wished that people would be friendlier and warmer, or go out of their way to welcome me and let me know they were excited I was there. Those things would have made me feel comfortable. They would have made me feel like I belonged.

What I was missing is that it's actually my responsibility to bring what I need to feel successful. I needed to bring my own sense of  belonging into that situation.

I needed to B.Y.O.B.—Bring Your Own Belonging.

What does it mean to “Bring Your Own Belonging”? It means you take the initiative to create the atmosphere you desire—instead of passively wishing people will bend for you. It means you are creating your own belonging. 

When I stopped waiting for the groups that I was training to receive me in a certain way and I put the onus on myself to believe that, even though I was different and an outsider, I absolutely belonged—I had a completely different experience!

Why did I belong?  Because it was my job! Someone had hired me and was paying me to be at that place at that time, giving that talk. When I leaned into the truth that I had been invited here as part of my work, I became warm and hospitable. I welcomed Marines into my seminar instead of wondering why they weren’t welcoming me. Finally,  I could relax and find my own style.

This shift was everything for me. It meant I didn't have to hold back who I was until the military industrial complex transformed (which could have been...a while). I was able to change my own beliefs and provide that belonging for myself, which led me to feel better and see different results.

When you feel out of place in a new environment, be aware of your expectations of others. Do you want them to bend or change to make you comfortable? Is there a way you can bring your own belonging with you, instead?

Warmly,

Malika

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