Stop Being Superwoman
A few years ago, I was working with a client who was pregnant and having a hard time asking for help. We’ll call her Sasha.
Sasha was juggling work and family and didn’t have as much energy as usual to get it all done. (You know, because she was creating another life.)
But she didn’t want to ask anyone for help. She wanted to do it all by herself.
Sasha knew she was having a baby girl, so I asked her a simple question:
“What message do you want to pass on to your daughter? Should she feel bad about asking for help when she needs it?”
“Of course not!” my client immediately responded.
In that moment, Sasha realized two things:
She understood that if she wanted her daughter to feel comfortable asking for help, she needed to model that behavior.
She realized that she would never want a loved one to miss out on the support they need because they were reluctant to ask for help—so why would she deny herself the same opportunity?
Sasha is not alone. Many women struggle to ask for help when they really need it. Somehow, we have gotten the idea that we have to do it all on our own. I say “somehow”, but the image of the selfless, can-handle-anything-that-comes-her-way, multi-tasking, nurturing, takin’-care-of-business, all-intuitive, black-girl-magic, makin’-a-dollar-out-of-fifteen-cents, superwoman myth is pervasive in our culture.
The truth is, we all need help at different moments in our lives. Many of us even feel a little glow when a friend or family member asks us for our help. We find delight in being useful to our loved ones. So, why is it so hard for women to ask for extra support when they need it?
“Asking for help makes me look weak”
I hear this from so many clients. They fear that asking for help will make them look incompetent or like they’re not up to the task. This is a particularly common concern for women working in male-dominated industries; they feel that seeking help with a project could make them seem high maintenance or less capable than their colleagues.
But does this belief really hold up when challenged? How do you feel when other people ask you for help? Is your first thought, “This person is weak”?
Most people don’t perceive needing help as a sign of weakness. They usually recognize that the other person simply needs support getting something done or dealing with a situation. Asking for help isn’t viewed as a negative character trait--or even part of what defines a person at all.
When you think about giving and receiving help, make sure your belief system aligns. Give yourself the same benefit of the doubt, and show the same compassion, that you offer to others.
Reframing the idea of “getting help” is a powerful way to change the narrative. Instead of perceiving yourself as needy, think of yourself as resourceful: when you ask for help, you’re using all the tools at your disposal to solve a problem.
Picture Yourself as a Child
Like Sasha, many people have an easier time reframing asking for help when they change the context. One way to tap into that headspace is to think about a child—but not just any child. Look at a photo of yourself as a child, or take a moment and look at your own child, if you have one. Ask yourself, “If this child asked me for help, would I think any less of them or respond unkindly?
”Your gut reaction is probably strong and clear—of course you would help! We have more compassion for children, and seeing a much younger representation of yourself can help you connect that compassion to the way you treat yourself. You would never deny a child, so what do you gain by denying yourself?
There is strength and wisdom in understanding your limits. Instead of superwomaning yourself into burnout, use your voice to ask for support. You certainly deserve it.
With love and respect,
Malika
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