How to Practice True Self-Care

Self-care is a term that gets thrown around a lot these days.

What does “practicing self-care,” actually mean? Taking a bubble bath, cuddling up in a cozy blanket, using essential oils? A face mask?

Don't get me wrong: I love creature comforts and spa rituals. But it seems that self-care has become a panacea for anything bad that happens to us--stress, overwhelm, anxiety, even a global pandemic.

In reality, the act of taking care of ourselves looks different for everyone. It depends on who you are, where you're at in your life, and what stressors you’re dealing with.

Seeking Attention From Yourself

The desire to add a new layer of awareness and intentionality to your day or your life likely stems from a feeling that something is missing, wrong, or out of place. Maybe you are more anxious than normal, or burnt out, or just plain stressed.

None of us have lived through a global pandemic before, so whatever you’re feeling right now might be a totally new experience for you.

We all have patterns around how we react to stress or feeling out of control. But the actions that helped you in the past may not speak to the particular situation you’re in at the moment.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or fearful, instead of hopping straight into a bubble bath (or after you take the bubble bath), take a minute to discover your core needs. Discovering your core needs can bring you closer to a sense of ease, peace, and safety.

What Is Your Reality Right Now?

Last summer, I moved into a new apartment with very little notice and started a new job on the very same day. It was chaotic, as you might expect. But I was surprised by how much I struggled to move from one task to the next. I had so much to do that I was completely paralyzed. I couldn’t prioritize or figure out what I really, actually, needed to do first.

In the midst of feeling totally overwhelmed, I took a beat to ask myself, “What do I really need to feel safe right now?”

The answer that popped into my head was unexpected: Curtains! All I really needed in that moment was to get some curtains up on the windows. Okay, I thought. I can do this.

Once I identified my core need (curtains), I put all my energy into fulfilling that need. I measured my windows, shopped for window dressings, found the drill and step ladder, and put up a bunch of curtains. I was a curtain machine.

It was such a relief to complete that task. I felt safer and more settled, and I was finally able to move on with my life.

The things we need the most aren't always big or complicated.

How to Figure Out Your Core Needs

Figuring out your core needs in a given circumstance is how you practice true self-care. Ease, peace of mind, and a sense of safety can only appear if you know what’s blocking them.

But it can be frustrating if you don’t know where your feeling of unsteadiness or overwhelm is coming from. And if you’re already emotionally strained, it’s hard to investigate those feelings on the spot. You need a process for figuring out what you need in a given moment.

At the heart of using and owning your voice is the practice of understanding yourself and what’s important to you. Here’s a process you can use to prompt self-reflection, tap into your voice, and identify your core needs.

The Core Needs Identifier

Using this Core Needs Identifier process, you can swiftly and thoughtfully access your voice in your current reality.

Step 1: Consider your circumstances. What’s unique about your situation? Is it similar to an experience you’ve had before? What is slightly different about this moment that might be causing additional stress?

Step 2: Ask yourself some questions. These are the ones that I turn to for inner guidance:

What does it mean for me to feel safe, protected, taken care of? 

When I’m depleted emotionally or energetically, what fills me up?

As long as I __________ most days of the week, everything is okay.

I usually feel a sense of relief after I ______________________.

Your New Superpower

The moment you begin to engage with what’s really going on, you shift into a more reflective head space. This shift will help you identify what you’re craving—and it might not be what you expected!

The Core Needs Identifier helps you pay greater attention to yourself and take concrete actions to address what doesn't feel right. Your needs may change with time or circumstances; what was essential two years (or two weeks) ago might feel frivolous today. It’s totally normal for us to reprioritize as we move through life--which is why you can get value from returning to these questions again and again.

The ability to tap into your core needs is a superpower. When you know what you’re truly craving, you will be able care for yourself in any situation. And that’s self-care you can practice for a lifetime.

With love and respect,

Malika  

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