Fear of Feeling

My grad school acting teacher gave these instructions to our class one Monday morning during our first year:

"So the exercise is that you'll stand up in front of the class, I'll set a timer for 2 minutes, and you will tell us how you feel from moment to moment. That's it, stand there and say 'I feel____ and when that feeling changes say 'Now I feel___'

One by one my eight classmates and I went through this process of standing alone in an emotional fish bowl.

Some people cried, some people laughed, some got quiet, some got loud. Some people jumped up and down. Most people did all of these things - and everything in between - in the space of 2 minutes.

When it was my turn to take the floor, my heart pounded. I reported to the group,

I feel nervous

A few seconds passed, then a new thought:

Now I feel scared

more seconds...

Now I feel stupid

Now I feel alone

Now I feel okay

Now feel silly

Now I feel sexy

Now I feel embarrassed

And it went on like that for 120 seconds.

I didn't die.

Surprisingly, it was thrilling to name whatever came up. Identifying a feeling out loud seemed to make way for the next feeling to emerge. Amazing. I could physically sense emotions moving through my body and being released into the ether once I labeled them.

I didn't know it at the time, but this exercise was like exposure therapy for feeling my feelings. All of them. The good ones, the fun ones, the weird ones, the stressful ones. There was no time to evaluate the merits of a particular feeling, only time to announce it. It came up and then it fizzled out.

Feelings don't want to hang out forever. They want to be felt and then let go.

Feelings themselves are neutral. No feeling is "good" or "bad" in and of itself.

Yes, feeling delighted may be preferable to feeling afraid, but the certainty that I can experience both of those sensations and still be okay is phenomenal. The feeling is never me - I am the one that goes through it and is left intact on the other side.

So many of us have been conditioned to avoid certain feelings. Taking cues from our parents, or our kindergarten teacher, or the zeitgeist, we tell ourselves it's not okay to be furious, or jealous, or insecure, or proud, or overwhelmed, or victorious. Not only is it not okay, it's dangerous and could lead to your ruin or the ruin of the people you love.

We tell ourselves we don't want to feel those things anyway, because they're not "productive." But often the desire to avoid unwanted feelings makes us manipulate our lives in strange ways. The fear of feeling keeps us from living. And ironically, avoiding The Feels pretty much guarantees they will stick around...inside your body.

When feelings come up (the fun ones and the not so fun ones), challenge yourself to acknowledge them without judgement. Regardless of the specific feeling, believe that you have the capacity to get to the other side. This is how we learn to trust ourselves.

If you're not afraid to feel anything you can do anything.

With love and respect,

Malika

Sign up here to join this mailing list

Click here to learn more about The Center for Women's Voice.